[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
You Might Also Like
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.