If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
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there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Monday?
No. Next question.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner