I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.

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*Tries to get makeup off*

Makeup: I have a boyfriend.


You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.


*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy


Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.


Lord please give me patience, because if you give me strength I may just beat someone to death.


My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.


Instagram before the foods goes in, Twitter when the food goes out.


barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??


barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*