I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
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insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”