I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
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Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
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Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
I’m already scared