If I could time travel I’d go to my funeral and take names of people who seemed to be handling it a little too well.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
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Do you know how many poisonous apples I’d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
I changed my wifi name to “14.4k dial up connection” so no one would bother stealing my signal.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
If I ever have a baby, I hope it’s a puppy.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Computer: choose a password
Computer: confirm password
Computer: passwords do not match
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.