@Quartzjixler

I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.

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@metafroth

If I could time travel I’d go to my funeral and take names of people who seemed to be handling it a little too well.

@fred_dog

Do you know how many poisonous apples I’d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?

@Bob_Heller

Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance

@J0hnnyBlaze

When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time

@myles_morrison

I changed my wifi name to “14.4k dial up connection” so no one would bother stealing my signal.

@TheBoydP

Wife: *asks question*

Me: *gives answer*

Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…

@Home_Halfway

“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer

@professorkiosk

Computer: choose a password

Me: mysocks

Computer: confirm password

Me: mysocks

Computer: passwords do not match