I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
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Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.