@jpbrammer: I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren't any mice on their island, and said "fine I'll do it"
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@ErrenMichaels: *logs into Facebook *looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends *comments 'is that your dad' on all of them *logs out of Facebook
@KKBowls: I let a Jehovahs Witness in my home, I sat him down and said, 'what do you have to tell me?' he said, 'I don't know, never made it this far'
@ShortSleeveSuit: Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
@CYComedy: My goal weight is for my waiter to ask me if I want a salad with my meal without bursting into laughter.