I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”

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I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.


Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.


My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.


Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.


I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.

Fly is dead.


If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.


[Animal Shelter]

Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”

Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”

Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”


Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.


U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…


“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”

Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out