I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”

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Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

Eminemโ€™s Wife: I have a headache


My walk of shame is every time I leave a girl’s house after watching “How I Met Your Mother” with her.


I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.


Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.


I still get my ‘drive-throughs’ & ‘drive-bys’ mixed up. Which is the one where I have to take a gun?


I don’t believe in mythical creatures like dragons, unicorns, Lock Ness Monster, drama free women.

Just joking, I believe in Nessie.


Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.


wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma


In first grade I pretended I could talk to animals because I thought kids would like me, but then a squirrel attacked Lisa Shapiro.


Salvador Dali’s body was once exhumed because of a paternity suit. I didn’t know they made those, but if it was so important, they shouldn’t have buried him in it.