@ErrenMichaels: *logs into Facebook *looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends *comments 'is that your dad' on all of them *logs out of Facebook

@KKBowls: I let a Jehovahs Witness in my home, I sat him down and said, 'what do you have to tell me?' he said, 'I don't know, never made it this far'

@ShortSleeveSuit: Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail

@CYComedy: My goal weight is for my waiter to ask me if I want a salad with my meal without bursting into laughter.

@iwearaonesie: me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, "Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish"? wife: Go to sleep