Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
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My walk of shame is every time I leave a girl’s house after watching “How I Met Your Mother” with her.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
I still get my ‘drive-throughs’ & ‘drive-bys’ mixed up. Which is the one where I have to take a gun?
I don’t believe in mythical creatures like dragons, unicorns, Lock Ness Monster, drama free women.
Just joking, I believe in Nessie.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
In first grade I pretended I could talk to animals because I thought kids would like me, but then a squirrel attacked Lisa Shapiro.
Salvador Dali’s body was once exhumed because of a paternity suit. I didn’t know they made those, but if it was so important, they shouldn’t have buried him in it.