I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
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I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”