@TheCatWhisprer
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
@jpbrammer
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
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@TheCatWhisprer
@9GAG
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
@sixfootcandy
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
@SadieSkyNinja
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
@sara_ashlynn
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
@P1ssed_K1d
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
@WheelTod
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
@NurseMurderer
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
@offbeatoliv
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
@PJTLynch
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out