I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
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Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”
Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out