I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
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You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
This is sending me to another galaxy
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?