@NINETIREDBUGS

i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later

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@GroovyTasia

Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.

*sees a talking Batman cup*

Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die

@KingRainhead

i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me

@therealnauman1

Life in your 40’s:

Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!

Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.

@noneofyours99

I want to be that grandma someday that everyone is afraid to take out in public.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.

4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.

@chilldadpalguy

name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture

@TheTweetOfGod

Man shall not live on bread alone. Yet it is easy to forget this at restaurants and end up full before the appetizer.