@NINETIREDBUGS

i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later

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@emmkaff

Scientists: Don’t freak out about Ebola.
Everyone: *Panic!*

Scientists: Freak out about climate change.
Everyone: LOL! Pass me some coal.

@ADDiane

Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.

@iGreenMonk

This guy told me that playing the voilin is the best way to calm you down.

I bet he never tried smashing it over someone’s head.

@ch000ch

wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”

@Rollinintheseat

Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.

@scrirc

I once met this guy who was so creepy that his van had a basement.

@TheAlexNevil

*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING

@Kali_Mura

I killed my twin because she wouldn’t admit that she was the evil one.

@Kalarlis

007 is fired, becomes a scientist. He opens meetings with, “The name’s Bond, Hydrogen Bond.” Everyone laughs. He cries in the supply closet.