i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
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1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.