@canadian_jane: I respect strippers because its really hard to dance by yourself and not look stupid.
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@JohnLyonTweets: Text: CMAO Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.” That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
@murrman5: [turns to buddy just before bar fight] "I'll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja"
@IdStandOnThat: My daughter just said, "Daddy, you're good looking & not fat like other dads." She's only 10, but we're headed to the BMW dealership now.
@MarfSalvador: Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes! My wife: Yeah, like his dad Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*