I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
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The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Never go to sleep after making me angry
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.