I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
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How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
“How’s your day going?”
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today