I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
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Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.