I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
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How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.