I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.

Britches love stitches.

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[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now


I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?


I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly


Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.


He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know. Shut up, is basically what I’m saying.


Her: let’s role play

Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter

Her: hot

Me: *narrows eyes*


[me dress shopping]

“Ohhhh that’s cute”

*an 80 year old buys it*


*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles