@brianbowman73

I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.

Britches love stitches.

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@TheToddWilliams

[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now

@AntozWolf

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

@dumbbeezie

I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly

@LackOfShame

Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.

@TheTweetOfGod

He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know. Shut up, is basically what I’m saying.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter

Her: hot

Me: *narrows eyes*

@_Tempo11

[me dress shopping]

“Ohhhh that’s cute”

*an 80 year old buys it*

@GrantTanaka

*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles