I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
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Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Weighing up my bread heating options
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Sunday
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.