@brianbowman73

I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.

Britches love stitches.

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@lmegordon

A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.

@suecorvette

(filming reality TV show)

him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot

me: so a guy with just one foot?

him: no, an ape-type creature

me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot

him: he has 2 feet

me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?

him: get out

@pdxjohnny99

DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?

VADER: On the dark side.

DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?

VADER: Star bucks.

@Fickle_Filly

[first date]

Him: Let’s take the stairs!

Me: I think we should see other people.

@DirtMcTurd

If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.

@chrisdowning

Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.

@ValeeGrrl

Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.