I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.

Britches love stitches.

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A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.


(filming reality TV show)

him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot

me: so a guy with just one foot?

him: no, an ape-type creature

me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot

him: he has 2 feet

me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?

him: get out


DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?

VADER: On the dark side.


VADER: Star bucks.


[first date]

Him: Let’s take the stairs!

Me: I think we should see other people.


If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.


Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.


Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.