this… may be the greatest story ever told
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
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I’m running away to join the internet.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.