football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
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Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
[turns into bat and flies away]
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Can you guys give me the names of some famous athletes and prisoners? I’m making a pros and cons list.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
US customs officer during passport check at airport:
You were born in Beirut? Why the GER passport??
Me: No, it’s Bayreuth, see, the spelling is different!
Him: What’s the difference?
Me: My town is in GER, the other is in the Middle East.
Him: Sir! Are you from the Middle East??
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.