[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
I routinely take 8 flights of stairs for no other reason than to avoid idle chit chat in the elevator.
See, hating people can be healthy!
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A coworker wouldn’t stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
I’m writing a screenplay where a shark attacks people at the beach but, like, emotionally.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable