@moose_chocolate

I routinely take 8 flights of stairs for no other reason than to avoid idle chit chat in the elevator.

See, hating people can be healthy!

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@murrman5

[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”

@TheMichaelRock

A coworker wouldn’t stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.

@thomas_violence

the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else

@robfee

This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.

@drhappyknuckles

I’m writing a screenplay where a shark attacks people at the beach but, like, emotionally.

@rickolantern

Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones

Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich

Me: …

@50FirstTates

detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding

me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where

@ClichedOut

Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.

Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?

E1: Lol, “amusement park.”

@TheBeerGuy73

Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?

ROFLMFAO!

JK! Lolz

Ttyl KK

Ur BFF,

Hannibal

~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages

@Megatronic13

[swimming pool]

Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?

Lifeguard: that’s impossible

Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable