Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
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Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
an airline just for babies.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
You got this…
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years