Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
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Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.