@mamapojo

I RT you, you ignore me
I fav you, you ignore me
I ignore you, you ignore me
This seems to be working out well for us

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@jazz_inmypants

what if u had to have sex every day during pregnancy to keep building the baby

@Playing_Dad

Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so

@poutinesmoothie

My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.

@TeflonPawn

My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.

@CornOnTheGoblin

? she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ?

@capnwatsisname

Me: please, I’ve tried everything

Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.

@abbycohenwl

[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*

@UltraPunch

It’s impossible to say “mesh” without sounding like Sean Connery…

Also you just tried it.

@LeonInNewJersey

Wives everywhere: Good news! You have time to do all those projects you promised

Husbands: We have a cure