I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
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Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Oops
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons