I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
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how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
This is my pinned tweet
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*