[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
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Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.