[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
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You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.