I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle

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[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”

It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel


• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―


Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.


Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk


College is forcing yourself to eat food before it goes bad because you spent $4.99 on blueberries when you were into health for a hot sec


ME: *fumbling with bra* sorry im usually good at this
HER: its…fine
ME: *successfully gets bra off* there we go, now you take off yours


Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.

May take them away tomorrow too.


Enhanced interrogation idea:

If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.


I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.