@OldUncleDaveO

I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle

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@CakeThrottle

[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”

It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel

@bobvulfov

turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―

@Rollinintheseat

Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.

@Dildo_Hitler

Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk

@CollegeDotLife

College is forcing yourself to eat food before it goes bad because you spent $4.99 on blueberries when you were into health for a hot sec

@hippieswordfish

ME: *fumbling with bra* sorry im usually good at this
HER: its…fine
ME: *successfully gets bra off* there we go, now you take off yours

@LoveNLunchmeat

Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.

May take them away tomorrow too.

@doktorj

Enhanced interrogation idea:

If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.

@CulturedRuffian

I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.