I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
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There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
at ease…shoulder.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
The honesty is refreshing
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.