I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
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ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”