@trumpetcake

I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.

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@TheAlexNevil

Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.

@aparnapkin

One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for

@cool_as_heck

OBAMA: your resume says you think of the “best nicknames?”

ME: that’s right, Obama-nable snowman *finger guns*

OBAMA: [softly] holy shit

@Samzen_

I throw my poop to birds to give them a taste of the parallel universe.

@hyperblastchic

My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.

@flashember

[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”

@ArfMeasures

Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby

@HomeWithPeanut

Me: I lost 35 pounds today.

Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?