Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
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ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
I’m just looking for a woman who is smart, funny & can drive a getaway car tomorrow morning at 8
How to keep a man happy:
1) Phone him 86 times a day
2) Wail hysterically
3) Be needy
4) Never sleep with him
5) Buy yourself shoes
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.