I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
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Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*