I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
You Might Also Like
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.