*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
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* flirting with disaster
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
*dolphin diving off a cliff*
If you think it’s hilarious that George Bush is getting a library, wait till you hear he was our PRESIDENT for EIGHT YEARS.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.