@FeralCrone

I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”

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@IamEveryDayPpl

What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.

What I heard: Weight loss.

*doubles dosage*

@KKAlThani

Don’t judge if you don’t know me. Unless you’re making my pizza & you say “This guy looks like he wants extra cheese” then please do.

@climaxximus

[Bear attack]

Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.

Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!

@Sickayduh

“So where are you from?”
– I’m a Liberian
“Oh sorry *whispers* where are you from?”

@Henry_3000

Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.

@TheMichaelRock

Some schools are banning Santa so they don’t offend non-Christian students. That sucks, because Santa is my favorite part of the Bible.

@ArfMeasures

ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs

DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant

ME *scuttles closer*

DATE: 6 of them

@Chepkut_William

Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.

1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.

2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.

3. Death is an added advantage.

@Sickayduh

Hey girl are you a Sony Pictures movie because I wanna [end of joke redacted due to foreign pressure]

@DevilryFun

I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.