I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”

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What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.

What I heard: Weight loss.

*doubles dosage*


Don’t judge if you don’t know me. Unless you’re making my pizza & you say “This guy looks like he wants extra cheese” then please do.


[Bear attack]

Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.

Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!


“So where are you from?”
– I’m a Liberian
“Oh sorry *whispers* where are you from?”


Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.


Some schools are banning Santa so they don’t offend non-Christian students. That sucks, because Santa is my favorite part of the Bible.


ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs

DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant

ME *scuttles closer*

DATE: 6 of them


Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.

1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.

2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.

3. Death is an added advantage.


Hey girl are you a Sony Pictures movie because I wanna [end of joke redacted due to foreign pressure]


I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.