I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
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My beach vacation Google searches
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.