Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
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How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
My life coach traded me.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.