I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
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Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”