I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
You Might Also Like
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
But I really needed water water water
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will