@shawn_spree

I said I wouldn’t go drinking in public again, but here I am waiting for my kids to get out of school.

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@sixfootcandy

Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.

@psybermonkey

“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”

*connects*

Agent: Hello

Me (whispering): hello

@badbanana

Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.

@JermHimselfish

In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.

@PleaseBeGneiss

GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt

ANGEL: all the time?

GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside

ANGEL: why?

GOD: you keep saying that word

@Seinfeld2000

roses are red

violets are blue

the jerk store called

theyre running out of you

@AndrewChamings

CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.

ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*

[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’m a big dog person

ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford

@WilliamRodgers

My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…

58 seconds…

58 whole seconds…

Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”

…where was that attitude on our wedding night???

@Gooooats

People who criticize the year 2016 seem to have forgotten that back in May McDonald’s accidentally gave me a Chicken McNugget with my fries.