ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
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WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.