me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
“i said make him fetch”
“what have you done”
he looks pretty fetching to me
*dog in shirt & tie*
does he have a job interview or somet
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barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Sharks aren’t the bad guys. If some stranger entered my house in just a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.
And we’re still calling it auto “correct” because….
You do a dazzling imitation of a blithering idiot!
You’re being serious, about your love for your TC?
Oh dear, this is awkward.
What if the stickers are the only thing Made In China?
So that’s what the little holes in pizza boxes are for…
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.