My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
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Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.