The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
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Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it