“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
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[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Welcome
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.