@andylassner

I said “no” to a lot of things this year without giving them a chance.
In 2016 I plan on saying “maybe” more and then changing it to “no”.

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@brynnester

[Day 1 Of Lockdown]

Wife: *sitting down to dinner* What’s this?

Me: A delicious plate of Cheeto’s

Wife:

Me: I ate everything else already

@suzieQ0007

People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.

@ConanOBrien

This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.

@WhiskeySoured

Never judge a book by its cover. Besides, you’re on Twitter and don’t even read books.

@rolldiggity

Throw a pizza down a manhole. Wait five minutes. Throw a grenade down. You just killed the Ninja Turtles.

@CopBroughtPizza

todd: *sobbing uncontrollably*

me: relax it was just a little earthquake

todd’s wife: he’s an etch-sketch artist. it was everything he had