[Day 1 Of Lockdown]
Wife: *sitting down to dinner* What’s this?
Me: A delicious plate of Cheeto’s
Me: I ate everything else already
I said “no” to a lot of things this year without giving them a chance.
In 2016 I plan on saying “maybe” more and then changing it to “no”.
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People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.
Never judge a book by its cover. Besides, you’re on Twitter and don’t even read books.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Throw a pizza down a manhole. Wait five minutes. Throw a grenade down. You just killed the Ninja Turtles.
todd: *sobbing uncontrollably*
me: relax it was just a little earthquake
todd’s wife: he’s an etch-sketch artist. it was everything he had