Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@brynnester

[Day 1 Of Lockdown]

Wife: *sitting down to dinner* What’s this?

Me: A delicious plate of Cheeto’s

Wife:

Me: I ate everything else already

@suzieQ0007

People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.

@TheTweetParrot

Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.

@ConanOBrien

This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.

@omgthatspunny

I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.

@WhiskeySoured

Never judge a book by its cover. Besides, you’re on Twitter and don’t even read books.

@darksidedeb

My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.

@rolldiggity

Throw a pizza down a manhole. Wait five minutes. Throw a grenade down. You just killed the Ninja Turtles.

@CopBroughtPizza

todd: *sobbing uncontrollably*

me: relax it was just a little earthquake

todd’s wife: he’s an etch-sketch artist. it was everything he had