@AtticusFinch79
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
@andylassner
I said “no” to a lot of things this year without giving them a chance.
In 2016 I plan on saying “maybe” more and then changing it to “no”.
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@AtticusFinch79
@Cherry_Row
Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.
@kelkulus
The difference between men and women is that for men, “stabby” is not an emotion.
@DrakeGatsby
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
@ArfMeasures
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
@Reverend_Scott
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
@amydillon
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
@Papa_Mex
Wow some neighbors really freak out when they wake up on a Sunday morning and find me making myself some pancakes in their kitchen
@Fred_Delicious
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
@lovemydogduck
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.