@andylassner

I said “no” to a lot of things this year without giving them a chance.
In 2016 I plan on saying “maybe” more and then changing it to “no”.

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@Midgetspar

Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.

@River_Niles

Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..

Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..

@LeBearGirdle

Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.

@DaddyJew

Gf: is it in?

Me: I think its in

Gf: nothing’s happening

Me: give it a sec

Gf: take it out & put it back in

M: ugh fine *reinserts DVD*

@ieatanddrink

I didn’t post that copyright notice thing on my Facebook and I’ve already seen SIX of MY photos of me with my casseroles in BMW commercials

@iamburtjarvis

me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet

landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”

me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.

landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!

@FuckabillyRex

I’m seducing you. Do you feel seduced? Tell me when you’re seduced, even if it’s just a little. Do you want some macaroni? Are you seduced?

@Tmoney68

[Leaving bar]

GF: You okay to drive?

Me: I’m fine.

GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?

M: 2 guys, tops.

GF:

M:

GF:

M: What?

@defdanielle

there are naturally attractive people and then there are people like me who take pictures from good angles with the right lighting

@chuuew

I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.