If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
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I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Body by Oreos
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Fat chances are my favorite chances
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”