I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
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If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
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HEYYYY MACARENA
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra