I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
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Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
This is my bus stop.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.