I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
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Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.