Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Get in loser we’re going crying
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.