@DaddyJew

I save most of my sweet talking for different forms of potatoes

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@iGreenMonk

Whenever my wife sing, i open up my room windows so the neighbors don’t think I’m beating her.

@ruinedpicnic

me:(nervously) so I gotta fight one of these things?
zookeeper: what? no
me: I choose…the polar bear
zookeeper: why would you choose that

@jonnysun

even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults

@MelvinofYork

Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me

@JawnClimax

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

@joci2203

Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?

Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?

Cop:Lol, nevermind

@truegritrumble

ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.

HER: There’s not even a bed in here.

ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*

HER: Holy shit!

@Breadery

Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

@abbycohenwl

Climate Change: It’ll take 30 more years but I’ll destroy this planet
COVID-19: Lol OK boomer