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Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”