I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
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the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Gross if literal…Liverpool
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]