I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
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I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is