@WoodyLuvsCoffee

I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.

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@joeheenan

Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken

@pilau

My four year old sent me his first ever text from my wife’s phone and it’s such a great thing that he starts school on Monday

@MaxHooverDotBiz

Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.

Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.

@Social_Mime

If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.

@TheDailySchmuck

I’m not racist.

Some of my best friends are white such as Joey, Phoebe and Rachel. And I can’t forget Chandler.

@VerifiedJayy

Hey plastic surgeons, breast implants with squeaker toys in em. Get on that

@smithsara79

OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?

Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.

@TrueTorontoGirl

[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?

[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?

@zachreinert03

Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD