I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
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FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.