I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.

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HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex

ME: we learned a lot though

HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”


wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-


My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time


Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.


I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.

So they hid my phone charger.


god: these are humans

angel: how do they work?

god: [rubbing temples] not…not well


[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?


my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses


Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding

Me: I- I gotta know

Cashier: know what?

Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.

scan me


“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”