I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.

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Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken


My four year old sent me his first ever text from my wife’s phone and it’s such a great thing that he starts school on Monday


Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.

Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.


If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.


I’m not racist.

Some of my best friends are white such as Joey, Phoebe and Rachel. And I can’t forget Chandler.


Hey plastic surgeons, breast implants with squeaker toys in em. Get on that


OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?

Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.


[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?

[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?


Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD