I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
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I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Sharon I have some bad news
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Reporter: *ports again*
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
(by @ZachWeiner )
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.