I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
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if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Important
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.